"oh, i thought it was midnight" realizations

All this summer I have been struggling with feeling like God hasn't been speaking to me. That false assumption was caused simply by my narrow perception and clouded views. I have been reading about my friends that are overseas doing missions work - sharing the Gospel, loving in ways they didn't know they could, seeing miracles, healing the sick. I was wondering why I couldn't participate in that kind of stuff. But, I have been seeing God work in his perfect way here and in my life.

My youngest sister is going to a Christian camp. That is beautiful, especially because my parents are nonbelievers (and thus think I am ruining my life). My sister often asks me questions about the very nature of God and it means so much that she will have the chance to spend a week with people that can teach her about and show her the love of Jesus.

I found out that my one of my best friends from high school has been radically saved and radically transformed by Jesus Christ. Wow. Just to talk with her and hear her heart for other people was so wonderful.

God has been showing me this summer that first I need to love God. God used books and blogs that I have been reading, and a paper written by a girl in one of my classes to show me this. She mentioned the two commandments that matter - love God, and love people. You might say "well, of course!" to me first needing to love God. Sometimes though I get caught up in things. I get caught up in wanting to go on missions and being an advocate for social justice and trying to help others with various things. I understand that all of those are great things and glorifying to God. But first, He wants me to just love Him. Love Him with my life and spend time with Him and live for Him. And I don't have to go do things that I am not to do that.

After doing a project on the persecution of Christians in North Korea, I feel so absolutely blessed to even be allowed to have a Bible. I can read my Bible and take it with me wherever I go and I can share the Word without fear or being tortured or murdered. I can go to church on Sundays or gather on other days to love and be with the body of Christ without fear of being sent to a labor camp. For that I am so grateful.

Also, God has just been showing me over and over again how I can trust Him and rest in knowing that His will and everything is perfect. He showed me that I can pray for my future husband, that he will be a man that first loves God and desires only to follow him and to love, live, and do everything for His glory.

Sometimes people will say to me, "oh, you must be so worried," or "that must be a tough choice" or different things along those lines (I'm not denying that there are tough choices or anything - just examples!). but it is strange - I feel at peace. I feel at peace (I used to not be; I especially was very upset at one point because I am not part of some groups of people at church, that I wasn't fitting into the pastor/missionary/worship leader mold, etc.) knowing that I am a part of the body of Christ. Maybe an eye instead of a hand, but the same body nonetheless.

I'm not sure any of this makes sense - it is nearly two hours past my bedtime. :o