so yeah

I was supposed to meet a guy that I met at the movie theater the other day, but when it came down to it I told him I didn't want to go to his apartment/be alone and then he stopped talking to me. Yeah...

Sometimes I don't know if 1) I am crazy or 2) if everybody hates me. I think that this is an issue that I have and I really need to stop thinking that everybody is passive-aggressively trying to ignore me/piss me off. I try to understand that I am loved by God and that I am worthy because I am loved by Him (not loved by Him because I am worthy). But that has been really hard for me for the last few months.

When I was in Columbus, I felt so shunned... It seemed like if I asked people to do things with me (alone, as a group, whatever) people didn't want to or were always busy and then would never get back to me when they weren't busy. It wasn't for the last two or three weeks there that I actually felt cared about by anyone that that is why it is so bittersweet for me to have moved here. But most of the people that I love in Columbus are moving anyway.

Moving to a new school in the US is totally different than moving to China for a study abroad. When I went to China, I went with a bunch of other study-abroaders and lived with them, so we made friends within that group. Everyone understandably wanted to have friends and people to be close to, so people looked in that group. But here, it is so different. A lot of people have already been at the school and have friends that they hang around with or are already established in this area and stay within their group. I was so excited when last week my roommate asked me to go hang out with her friends... that was really nice, because I actually got to talk to people. I've hung out with some of my neighbors and stuff but it just seems like they don't want to hang out with me... I guess. I don't want to or need to dominate anyone's time, but I dunno... study sessions at a bookstore? I feel like since we are all in seminary that could be a group activity. Maybe not. And it sucks because I guess I'm not that social.

Anyhow it is super lonely here. Sometimes I get to talk to people but I never get to talk about how I feel or what is going on in my heart or prayer requests or anything and it is really hard... and I have been constantly in prayer but I really want some friends, too. I just feel weird sometimes, like I'm not good enough, not into the right music, not into the right sports, whatever, to be included.

But I am so grateful for the people that God has put in my life lately, like my nice neighbors that take me to church with them, invite me to hang out, and let me do laundry at their place; and for everything else those people already mean to me, I'm sure they don't know how much. And in those people I have seen people come from such different circumstances than me. I'm so used to people from Ohio and people from suburban areas. I am so excited to see how God is working in their lives and I just want to know more about them, but I don't want to seem like a leech. And I don't want to be like “dude, maybe I can go read with you guys next time” or anything because I feel like I'm not wanted.

And people in Columbus, I really love you, like Sarah, Emily, Christina, PJ, and Josh... when I was in Columbus and even more so now I feel so blessed to know people like you that love like you do, it really feels like the love of Jesus. Really.

I am bad at loving. I want to love people totally self-sacrificially but I get so confused as to what that looks like... Maybe I am over-thinking it.

I'm going to stop being emo now and go back to reading the Shack (153 pages in so far).